Submarining vs. Ghosting

• Ghosting:
• Ghoster suddenly does not respond to texts, phone calls or DM’s
• There is no obvious reason for the disappearance
• An emotional plea for an explanation from the Ghostee goes completely unanswered
• Ghostee may find themselves blocked from the Ghoster’s social media accounts
• Behavior is permanent.

Submarining:

• Submariner suddenly does not respond to texts, phone calls or DM’s
• There is no obvious reason for the disappearance
• An emotional plea for an explanation may receive a vague, dismissive response such as “Sorry, I’ve been swamped, traveling, under-the-weather etc”
• Months later the submariner sends a text and attempts to pick up where they left off, pretending that nothing happened.
• Behavior is intermittent.

Both ghosting and submarining are behaviors by people who have low emotional intelligence, fear of intimacy and/or little empathy. The biggest difference is that a ghoster wants to end a relationship and protect themselves from the discomfort of having to have the conversation, and a submariner wants to put somebody on the back burner, so they can reach out to them later when they feel lonely.

Evolutionarily speaking, having “backup mates” is a very common human mating strategy. Even people in loving, committed relationships might have somebody in mind who they might reach out to if things don’t work out with their current partner. Surprisingly research has shown that having backup mates is good for mental health. On the other hand, finding oneself as a back up mate rarely feels good.

Psychologically, Submariners may also have an avoidant attachment style. They can say and do what they need so to obtain sex, but are terrified of emotional intimacy. They dash in and out of relationships, being careful not to get too close. They also have little insight into their own feelings, which means less empathy for the feelings of others. They just don’t understand emotions, how to express them, or how the behavior can hurt others.

Sociologically, Submarining is also a symptom of our high supply sexual economy. Sex is in such high supply that men do not need to commit to any one woman. They play the odds game by keeping a lot of backup mates. They test women to see who stays in their loose stable of connections. On the female side, we have an oversupply of successful females in the mating marketplace, who are vying for a small group of alpha males.

When there is an imbalance in the mating marketplace, in this case, more educated, economically secure, and healthy females in their reproductive years, women might make one of four mating choices available to them:

• Compete for a high status man and hope their fertility window doesn’t close before they get a commitment.
• Date a slightly lower status man who adores her.
• Share a man by entering into a polygamous relationship.
• Date a high status woman.

Please note that when there is an oversupply of successful women in any mating marketplace, the culture tends to condone same-sex behavior for females