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Break ups in general have a number of psychological/social stages, many of them involve behaviors that are largely unconscious. Here’s how the standard break up goes:
1. Contemplation: People on the verge of initiating a break up undergo a silent cost-benefit analysis of the relationship. Then they decide that they are ready to break up.
2. Confirmation: In this stage, people unconsciously chose to confide in friends who will support their decision. They stay away from friends whose opinions will confuse them by saying things like, “Are you sure you want to throw it away?”
3. Testing: Before someone tells their partner that they want to end the relationship, they may test their value on the Mating Marketplace by doing one or all of the following: Going out with single friends, posting a provocative photo on Instagram to see the reaction, or reaching out to a “back up mate” (perhaps a flirty colleague)
4. Declaring. This is where the partner declares their intention to end the relationship. The serious conversations about breaking up begin. Depending on the length of the relationship, the living arrangements, if there are children, etc., these conversations may involve a couples therapist, some back-andforth of breaking up and getting back together.
5. The Final Break Up: This may involve psychological strategies like focusing on all the “bad” in a former partner to keep one’s mind on the prize, which is staying single, or it may involve going completely no contact or even finding a rebound mate quickly.
Now, with a break-up where you still really love the person, but you are clear that you have different life goals, these stages may become elongated. You may have to search a little further for sympathetic friends who will focus on your future goals instead of saving your relationship. Or you may experience a lot of guilt about testing your worth in the meeting marketplace. Finally ,the declaration stage may involve more back-and-forth than a relationship that has more animosity.
How can someone be sure? It’s one of the reasons that people work their way through the five stages of a break up: to get clarity and confirmation. I think it’s very important for people to work with a licensed therapist so they can work through all the pros and cons and understand the feelings they are experiencing. Especially if the decision involves letting go of reproductive goals. Most humans have reproduction as a basic instinct and this is a difficult feeling to walk away from by oneself. On the other hand, staying on the fence in a place of indecisiveness can be it’s own painful place so I happen to be a big believer and take a leap onto one side of the fence or the other. Just do it and see how it goes.