Gary's AirBnB From Hell

Gary is back from Nashville!

However, he had to deal with the worst AirBnB ever.

He was not happy.

Read and listen to his lengthy complaint to AirBnB below.

We left after one night. 

Let’s start with the positive: the linens were clean, the shower worked, and we were within walking distance of downtown. But we were not prepared for the condition of the unit and the environment we found ourselves in. 

The first thing I noticed when we walked in to the building was the smell: VERY strong cleanser/deodorant, which only got stronger when we walked down the hallway to our unit. It evoked a feeling that something very bad happened in the hallway or one of the units, and the cleaning staff was trying to cover that happenstance with overwhelming force. It was a nasal assault to the tune of “Urinal Cake.”

When we entered, our unit was mostly free from that aroma (we’ll revisit), but the smudged handprint on the wall made me believe someone had filmed a slasher movie in there previously. 

The coffee pot still had the dregs of someone else’s coffee in it. I’m not sure how long it had been since someone was in there, but I’m pretty sure that coffee was distilling itself into a brandy-like aperitif. A coffee maker is a great commodity, but only if I don’t have to clean it. 

That bathroom was fairly clean, but pull back that shower curtain and it looks like someone took a 12-ounce claw hammer to the enamel around the tub drain. Did they lose a ring? A child? Why would they punish the tub like that? Yes, it’s cosmetic in nature, but it’s an issue that is easily fixed. 

You might think that wood-grained floor can hide a lot of sins, but I see you, Random Body Hair. 

The paint job in the bathroom looked like someone ripped the arm off of a dead lowland gorilla, dipped it paint, and hastily used it to cover up the second scene of the slasher movie. (Spoiler alert: whatever/whoever the antagonist is in the slasher movie lives in the temporary ceiling door directly above the shower head. They never saw it coming. But I did).

The rug under the bed worried me. A high-pile, knuckle-knot rug can NOT be adequately cleaned. No vacuum, except for a Vac-Con Industrial Vacuum Truck, would be able to pull the humanity from those nooks and crannies. Low-pile is the way to go. Burn that rug in a fire and send it - with it’s questionable DNA – into to the ether. Forever. 

The AC/heating unit worked, but looked like it was installed by four people, each with one arm, on a work release program. The unit was not sealed against the wall, and the gaps were large enough to literally see the parking lot below the unit. With temps in the 40s overnight, the holes in the wall caused the heater to cycle on and off about 6 times an hour. Loudly. 

The air filter on that beast was also about four days shy of spawning a new form of carbon-based life. And whichever electrical contractor installed the power outlet for that unit would be ridiculed mercilessly at his union’s annual convention for allowing that box to float in the wall without being secured. God created screws for a reason; use them to secure things. 

Wait— did I mention that I could SEE THROUGH THE WALL to the parking lot?

While I was looking for the charging cord for the “Welcome Tablet” I searched in the kitchen (it made sense at the time). Not only was the facing to the under-sink cabinet falling off, there is a drawer missing. Which raises the question... was the drawer used to bludgeon someone in the slasher film? Because ... WHERE IS THE DRAWER?

The blinds in the unit did provide privacy, but even when combined with the drapes, did NOTHING to prevent light from coming in to the room. State highway 41 is just outside the window. That is not a new road. 

But the three deal breakers were the noise, the door and the bed. 

The noise in the hallway was almost constant: voices, doors slamming, more voices and more doors slamming. For most of the night. 

The front door has about an inch gap at the bottom, which allowed those noises to incur unimpeded to my pillow, which is where I had my head. And ears.That gap also allowed unidentified deodorant/cleanser odor to join the party around my pillow. Where my head was. And my nose. 

But God forbid I move to avoid the noise OR smell, since the bed creaked like the door in a medieval castle. ANY movement on that bed translated into a jarring sound that would startle my Dad. And that guy has nerves of steel. 

About eight hours after we checked in, 12:15a Friday, March 22, I got out of that creaky bed, moved past the semi-functioning heating unit, and stood in the gorilla-fist-painted bathroom to book a room in a nearby hotel. 

That was unacceptable. 

I have pictures of each of the complaints, but no scratch-and-sniff for the odors. 

I will be expecting at least a partial refund. We notified the text number when we left the unit at 3pm on Friday, March 22. 


PS - Seriously. Where is that drawer?

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