Royal Canadian Mint worker Leston Lawrence has been sentenced to 30 months in prison for stealing 22 gold "pucks" by smuggling them in his butt.
Justice Peter Doody (Yes that's his name) also ordered Lawrence to pay a fine of $145,900. Lawrence's response to the sentence was:
“I’d just like to say thank you, sir, and that’s it. No further comment."
He stole the gold over a period of three months in late 2014, reselling it and then spending the proceeds.
Lawrence, dubbed "Goldsphincter," was planning a new life in Jamaica and had sent about $25,000 to a contractor in the Caribbean.
He also invested another $26,000 in a commercial fishing boat in Florida and sent wire payments out of Canada to himself and another man, taking out more than $30,000 in cash.
While the butt smuggling was never proven, Justice Doody believed Lawrence had to have hidden the golf ball sized gold in his rectum as he left his work shifts.
Vaseline and latex gloves were found in his locker, and he set off a metal detector inside the mint 28 times in a span of 41 days, despite gold never being found on his body.
The lesson here people, don't smuggle gold in your butt. Because it will land you in prison. And only terrible things await your butt in prison.
We'll just leave it at that. Don't be a greedy thief, and don't get your butt involved.