Sometimes your relationship has tensions and you aren't even aware! There are some clear signs. Here is what you need to look out for:
1. They become “forgetful.” If a relationship is an exchange of care, the displeased partner may suddenly forget to uphold their end of the bargain. They may show up late, forget to take out the trash, or forget to make that dinner reservation. “I’m sorry, hon, I totally forgot to pick up your dry-cleaning! Do you have any other clean shirts you can wear to that important meeting?”
2. Their face doesn’t match their words. There are 43 muscles in our face and they are deeply connected to our true feelings. That’s why the game of Poker is so hard! It’s difficult to maintain a “poker face” when one has a good or bad hand. Watch the tiny muscles around the mouth for downward turns when someone is introducing or talking about their partner.
3. They Gossip about other couples. This is a great example of Carl Jung’s “Shadow” at play. Jung’s theory says that there are some traits inside of us that we can’t tolerate so instead of examining them, we notice them everywhere else in the world and point critical fingers. Some people in unhappy relationships negatively gossip about other couples instead of noticing the elephant in their own living room.
You're not doomed. There is hope.
How to Approach Your Partner: If your partner does not have emotional language or is totally unaware of their passive aggressive behaviors, pointing it out and asking them to change may only make them get defensive and withdraw more. Instead, stay on your own feelings and model healthy communication by telling them how your behavior felt to you. “Darling, when you forgot to pick up my dry-cleaning, I felt unimportant and not a priority for you. It made me feel sad.” And, hidden tensions are often best addressed by a licensed clinical therapist. Try to get your partner to go to couple’s therapy with you.