You all know that I've been back at work for a few weeks now. I still can't thank you all enough for your thoughts and prayers, cards and gifts of flowers. You have no idea how much they are appreciated.
Some days are good, and some days are bad.
I know this blog is supposed to be funny and light, but it's also at times, deeply personal. I will really try to keep it fun as much as possible...I don't want to be a 'Debbie Downer', but I'm hoping you won't mind if I continue to write about some really honest things in my personal life, especially as I try to navigate the world without my father in it.
With that said, I wanted to share this.
Last week I spent an hour on the phone with my mom, walking her through how to print an email attachment...and as frustrating as it was, I also really enjoyed the experience. I know that my dad was always the one dealing with emails, bank websites, credit card statements, etc. So, this is a whole new world for her, to figure out how to take care of all the finances and such...and she's learning, and getting it, which is great.
I checked my cell at work today and had a message. It was my mom, she was having problems logging onto a website, so she asked me to call her back.
I did...and the phone rang...and rang...and rang...and then....the voice mail picked up.
I was NOT prepared.
It was my dad's voice..."Hi, you've reached Frank and RoseAnn, we can't get to the phone right now, please leave a message."
For one split second, I was elated to hear his voice.
The next second, I completely lost it, dissolving into a puddle of tears right at my desk.
I had not yet thought about how much I missed the sound of his voice.
I'm a dreamer, I have really active dreams...funny ones, sad ones, weird ones.
I haven't dreamed about my dad yet...and that scares me, because I've always believed that dreaming about a loved one after they die is sort of a sign that they're ok, that they're still there with you in some way. It happened to me with my grandfather and grandmother, fairly quickly after they passed.
But so far, no dreams about my dad, at least none that I can remember.
And, while I know he's still a part of me...I can't 'feel' him yet. That scares me too.
I think Princess can sense him...whenever I'm at my parents house, she spends hours curled up in his favorite chair, or lying in the backyard where he used to sit with her. She seems happy, as if she can 'feel' him. Maybe she can. So far, I can't.
A friend of mine told me that every day for six months after her mother died, she felt a huge hole in her heart that no matter what she did couldn't be filled. She said she woke up every morning cursing life and cried every day.
Then, six months after her death, one day, she woke up suddenly with a smile on her face and an overwhelming joy in her heart. She said for the first time since her mom died, she "felt' her mother there...and from that moment on, she felt her there all the time. After that day, she could talk about her without crying, she could feel the joy in life again.
I'm hoping that day comes for me.