When I placed my glasses on top of the DirecTV tuner box this morning, I told myself I'd remember to grab them before I left the house for work this morning.

When I arrived at the train station I told myself there was no way in hell I was going back to get my glasses because I'd miss the train and have to drive. I hate driving the rush hour freeways more than I dislike taking the #UrineTrain. (If you're so inclined, follow me on twitter or just check out the #UrineTrain on Twitter and you'll know what I'm talking about)

When I got to work, I decided I go get some "readers" from CVS. But I needed a car.  My boss said I could take her car.  

When I got into her car, I couldn't figure out how to get it into reverse.  There were chimes and flashing lights but I just didn't understand that I needed to place my foot here, push this button and pull this knob at the same time. In my car, you just grab a shifter and it goes clunk, clunk for reverse and clunk, clunk, clunk for drive.

When I got to CVS, I assume the cashier said "Hi" or "Sir, please leave because there is a man with a gun in the pharmacy" but I couldn't understand because the store's music was so loud and the woman wasn't projecting.  All store employees should project and speak with the diction of a voice coach.

When I got to the section of the "readers" I couldn't see anything because I forgot my glasses.  I finally found some "reader" that worked and the price almost blinded me: $22.  That's 2 tens and 2 ones plus tax. 4-get it.  I found some uglier ones for half the price which is still 10 times the price of the 99 Cents Only store.  But I was in a hurry to read.

When I got back to work and parked my boss' car, it began to ding and flash and roll. "NOW what's wrong with this 2014 BMW SUV thing," I thought, imagining it was the car's problem and not mine. The dashboard said the ignition was on and the car was not in park. "No way," I, like an idiot, thought.  So I took my foot off the break. Yes, the car rolled, just a bit.

When 60 seconds had passed, I got the chimes to stop chiming and the dashboard to stop flashing, put the car in park and successfully exited the vehicle.  

When I glanced at the remote, it had two buttons that I COULD SEE.  One was the unlock button the other was the lock button.  I pushed the lock button and the alarm started alarming.  When I put my "readers" on, I read that I pushed the panic button, the lock button was that little circle with the BMW in it.

I couldn't imagine trying to steal with this thing while drunk, high on crack and over 50.